Feb 25 2011

‘The Bleeding’ Review

Rating: R for violence, language and brief nudity. Directed by: Charlie Picerni Written by: Lance Lane (screenplay) Starring: Vinnie Jones, Michael Madsen, Armand Assante, Katherine von Drachenberg, Michael Matthias

PCN Rating:

Charles Picerni’s The Bleeding is exactly the sort of movie the poster is selling, with not a single jot of anything extra. Boasting a line-up of third tier actors like Michael Madsen, Armand Assante and Vinnie Jones, this horror-action mash-up plays like Blade if he were moonlighting on The Fast and the Furious. The difference, of course, is that Picerni (brother of the late stuntman and actor Paul Picerni) made this movie for maybe one-fifteenth the cost of those aforementioned pictures. It isn’t original but it chugs amiably along like a low-rent beater, running on the fumes of action classics past.

Trudging through whole stolen sections of bigger and better movies, Picerni and his scriptwriter Lance W. Lane spin the reheated tale of an orphaned hero stalking a clan of vampires whose leader murdered his parents. Bald and buff Michael Matthias, looking like the bastard love child of Vin Diesel and John Cena, plays lead as Shane Black, a hulking Army ranger who has spent most of his life hunting down the villainous Cain, who also happens to be his brother.  

Now imagine Vinnie Jones in a hilariously unconvincing performance as a vampire who dresses like a color-blind 70’s pimp with Amy Winehouse’s overbite. That’s Cain, and his big plan is to make an army of clubbing, white-trash vampires intent on ruling the world and sticking it to all clubbing, euro-trash vampires who think they own this tired-ass genre. Jones is usually menacing when he’s capitalizing on his bruiser’s mug and brick layer’s façade. Stick him in seersucker and he becomes a vision of stone-faced death, ala Midnight Meat Train or the raucous Survive Style 5+. Here he looks like he just missed a ride on the shoe bus with Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

From Matthias’ over-serious pot-boiler narration to the insignificant side-players like DMX’s sidekick and Kat Von D’s slutty vampiress, The Bleeding is stuffed full of out-dated clichés and dialogue designed to make it seem cooler than it is. The budget, which is admittedly thin, doesn’t help proceedings because even though everything looks glossy and shiny, there’s not a single scene that can really wow. If you are going to rip-off the greats make sure you have the resources to make an impression.

Picerni has plenty of experience in the stunt arena and he does stage some surprisingly competent chase sequences, including a Road Warrior homage at film’s end that sees Matthais mounted on top of a truck firing his shotgun at pursuing vamps in muscle cars and motorcycles. It offers up a few minutes of goofy, kuckle-headed fun but it comes off as ‘workmanlike’ and is far-and-away from ‘impressive’.  It still doesn’t make up for the numerous scenes of tedium and the cringe worthy and half-baked image of vampires writhing under strobe lights with Jones watching on like a demented carnival barker.

There’s some effort expended to make Rachelle Leah’s Lena an appealing love interest for Matthais’ Black, but neither of them is convincing as a character and together there’s zero chemistry. Clearly over his head, Matthais throws himself into the role and struggles to make his physicality carry the movie when his line reading comes up DOA. To be fair, he’s given dialogue that would make Ed Wood cringe, so the fault doesn’t lie completely with him. Both he and Leah do improve as they go along and I’d not be opposed to seeing either in a film that knew better what to do with them.

Even though he misses the boat with the newbies, Picerni’s television pedigree has actually made him a reasonable director of veteran actors. He lets Jones mug so ferociously that he almost transforms Cain into welcome comic relief, and helps Michael Madsen give a performance that actually displays the actor’s talents. Madsen, usually a notorious paycheck casher in roles like this one, is enjoying himself as Father Roy, the prerequisite hard-drinking, swearing, man of faith who would have already rid the world of vampires if not for that pesky eternal hangover he’s always got.

From the moment Black and company find him passed out behind a tombstone surrounded by empty bottles, Madsen steals the show. He’s having fun and generously allowing everyone around him to play off his energy. He even makes the religious mumbo-jumbo go down easy by growling lines like ‘It’s in the Bible…somewhere.’  Assante, as a hard-boiled cop tracking the vampire feeding frenzy, doesn’t fare as well because he’s only in one scene. Unlike Madsen, he’s not given enough time to overcome the vibe that he’s just slumming.

While it’s a relief to find that The Bleeding isn’t painful to watch I still can’t recommend it, even to those schlockmeisters looking for a bit of doltish Friday night fun. The truth is you have seen all this done elsewhere and better. There are moments here that reminded me of that king of camp, Roger Corman, and indeed this picture would have worked better in the era of the drive-in, when action audiences restless for a fix of their favorites couldn’t just turn on the Netflix or hit their dvd collection to satiate their urges. With access to Blade, The Road Warrior, and hell, even Vamp readily available there’s absolutely no reason to touch a single drop of The Bleeding.

 

By Nathan • Films • 2 • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,