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‘On the Ice’ Review: Life and Death in Barrow, Alaska

‘On the Ice’ Review: Life and Death in Barrow, Alaska

An insular  community entwined with its environment is the most ominous suspect in Andrew Okpeah MacLean’s On the Ice, a murder mystery of sorts set amongst the Iñupiaq people of Barrow, Alaska. Based off his own 2008 short film, On the Ice is MacClean’s intriguing and resonant exploration of his own culture through the mode of a pulp narrative. There are all the accoutrements of a restless urban teen drama; drugs, sex,  hip-hop music and an aching wanderlust to do more than this life promises. Until the central tragedy of the story hits, this could be Boyz in the Fur-Lined Hood. More

‘This Means War’ Review: Nothing fair about it

‘This Means War’ Review: Nothing fair about it

 

I personally don’t care how many millions of dollars ‘This Means War’ brings in at the box office; it’s hands down the worst movie of the year so far. Supposedly a romantic comedy about two spies who end up fighting over the same woman, there’s nothing romantic or funny about it. I guess it’s also supposed to be an action movie, but good luck there. More

‘The Secret World of Arrietty’ Review: A little bit of magic

‘The Secret World of Arrietty’ Review: A little bit of magic

As a child I grew up reading Mary Norton’s children’s story The Borrowers and marveling at the idea of a group of little people that built a life out of the things you assumed you had misplaced or lost. It was a charming and magical idea and now it’s a reasonably charming and magical movie. The Secret World of Arrietty is indeed based on Norton’s book, captured in lovely hand-drawn animation by the acclaimed Studio Ghibli and reaching our shores with a servicable Disney dub and repackage. More

‘Bullhead’ Review: A noir thriller with some real meat

‘Bullhead’ Review: A noir thriller with some real meat

Jacky is a quiet and solitary guy, but he’s not exactly a likable one; working as a low-level thug for the Belgian hormone mafia, he spends his days intimidating cattle farmers into using steroid injections on their livestock. In his down time, he’s injecting testosterone cocktails of his own into his burly body, training and shadowboxing and trying to outpace the shadows of his past. No, he isn’t a good man, but he’s presented as a fascinating one, a cog in a larger system that’s choking him in the same way it’s steamrolling the put-upon farmers. It helps that he’s the moody center of Michael K. Roskam’s Bullhead, a dark, grim character study masquerading as a crime thriller. More

Movie Review: Ghost Rider sucks with a ‘Vengeance’

Movie Review: Ghost Rider sucks with a ‘Vengeance’

The curse of Nicolas Cage continues in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, a movie so uninspired and disjointed that it makes its crummy predecessor look like The Dark Knight in comparison.

Although the original film scared up a strong box office over Valentine’s Day weekend in 2007, Sony seems to have been hesitant in bankrolling a sequel. That reluctance has resulted in a thinner budget, shoddier production values and a jettison of the cast and crew from the first go-round. More

PCN’s Top 10 Romantic Horror Films

PCN’s Top 10 Romantic Horror Films

Valentine’s Day. It can be a nightmare. Maybe you have that someone special and the holiday ratrace is driving you mad. Maybe your flying solo and the endless parade of candy hearts and goopy sentimental slop have you howling at the moon and wanting to disembowel Cupid. More

‘Journey 2’ Review: Island built on a Rock

‘Journey 2’ Review: Island built on a Rock

One of my most cherished childhood birthday presents was a collector’s edition of Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth, complete with handsome ink illustrations. It was given to me by intrepid relatives who gambled on an 19th century adventure novel being of interest to a kid of the video game era, and in retrospect it was a relatively safe bet. More

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2011

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2011

 It was neither the best of years nor the worst of years, but just as there were a number of great movies hiding in the misasma of 2011, there were some absolutely wretched movies. And while there were a stunning number of completely useless mainstream flicks, there were an equally stunning number of mean-spirited, entertainment-free indie films shooting for art or notoreity and instead just triggering my gag reflex.

I’m not one to linger on the awful, so here’s the puddle of vomit that was 2011′s worst films. Now that I’ve purged, I can head on into 2012 with a settled stomach and hope for the future.  More

‘Twilight Saga-Breaking Dawn: Part 1′ Review: Marriage, Monsters and Mommy

‘Twilight Saga-Breaking Dawn: Part 1′ Review: Marriage, Monsters and Mommy

I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m never going to like the Twilight films.

So, instead of subjecting myself to another torturous go-round of 40 yr old women catcalling young men on the screen and dippy teens jostling popcorn on my head every time Ed said something ‘perfect and sweet’, I sent our guest reviewer (sacrificial lamb) Megan  in my stead. Here, finally, is a PCN review from the viewpoint of someone who actually enjoyed the books.

Take it away Meg….

Ed and Bella on honeymoon

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‘Melancholia’ Review: Depression is a rogue planet

‘Melancholia’ Review: Depression is a rogue planet

 

Welcome to Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia, where the end of the world never looked so pretentious.

Von Trier, that Dane of the Dismal, delivers another art house exercise in glossy banality that’s much less profound then it thinks it is. His last, Anti-Christ, had Charlotte Gainsbourg committing genital mutilation on herself and Willem Dafoe in the forest, whilst a talking fox informed us ‘Chaos Reigns!’  In Melancholia, Gainsbourg returns to spy on a naked Dunst, sprawled out like a desecrated version of Michelangelo’s David, basking in the unnatural light of a rogue planet hurtling its way towards Earth. This time, like the last, it’s not chaos that reigns, but boredom and frustration.

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‘Contagion’ Review: Soderbergh makes paranoia infectious

‘Contagion’ Review: Soderbergh makes paranoia infectious

The most foreboding image in Steven Soderbergh’s new outbreak thriller Contagion is an uncovered bowl of bar peanuts.

I mean that as a compliment. At the heart of this star infested, globally minded, medical thriller, there’s a maniacal—even healthy if you will—sense of paranoia and anxiety surrounding our habits and social structures. Soderbergh takes a break from his personal art projects to deliver a monster movie for the masses where the unyielding beast in question is a nasty microbe that plans to eat its way through Hong Kong, London, San Francisco…the world.

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No More Wire Hangers! The Five Worst Movie Mothers of All Time

No More Wire Hangers! The Five Worst Movie Mothers of All Time

Written by: Chris Kavan of FilmCrave

Most people would agree that mothers should be there to comfort and support you. She’s there as a voice of reason, a master chef, a nurse, a chauffer and a confidant. The movies can bring out the best in a mother, but they can also bring out the worst. From baby-dropping abusers to overbearing from beyond the grave: here are the five moms you’ll be glad aren’t part of your family. By the way, there are spoilers ahead – this is the one and only warning you’re going to get.

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‘Conan The Barbarian’ Review: By Crom, it’s a sneer miss

‘Conan The Barbarian’ Review: By Crom, it’s a sneer miss

 

“I know this: if life is an illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and I am content.”

That’s Conan the Cimmerian—er, barbarian—for you. An armchair philosopher and skull-crusher courtesy of the perilous Hyborian Age, Robert E. Howard’s Conan is one of the classic ‘low-brow’ pulp characters, his creator’s lurid and breathless prose ensnaring many a teen boy since the late 1930s. Conan’s existential nihilism, captured above (and pulled from Howard’s Queen of the Black Coast) finds its way into Marcus Nispel’s new big screen iteration and gets severely truncated on the way. All that remains is the howler ‘I live, I love, I slay. I am content.’ This is indicative of the whole affair; it is faithful to many of Howard’s superficial details, but just keeps lifting off the frosting while forgetting most of what has made the character durable these long years.

When John Milius tackled the property in 1982—casting then bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger as his lead—he commandeered Howard’s globe-trotting adventures and crafted a steely, masculine mythos that had a strangely Neitzchean bent. The Conan of that film lived the life of a slave, his body trained and pounded to deadly precision, but his mind still that of an errant, restless teen, struggling against his past and uncertain of his future. Memorable, entertaining and even striking at times, that film was more Milius’ vision than Howard’s.

Nispel moves away from that image of a warrior shaped by civilization and circumstance, to chase after the specter of the pulp-age Conan, a whirling force of nature unleashed on a savage land. The opening images are bathed in bright red, with the young hero being literally cut from his mother’s womb on the field of battle, held up by his father Corin (Ron Perlman) like a cracked, hard R version of The Lion King. For roughly the next two hours, the audience gets launched into a nonstop onslaught of blades, bared breasts and bountiful rivers of blood. At first, it works but after awhile it starts to numb the senses.

The story, if it can be called such, is essentially a series of big action set pieces tied together with errant threads lifted from Conan’s adventure portfolio. Rehashing elements from the first film, young Conan (an effective and feral Leo Howard) is left orphaned when merciless warlord Khalar Zim (Stephen Lang) slaughters his tribe and murders his dad. Cut to the future and a grown Conan (Jason Momoa) tearing his way through the countryside, marauding, freeing slaves, and bedding wenches whilst on a quest to take vengeance against the man who caused his pain. Zim, it turns out, was similarly bent when he wiped out the Cimmerians, exacting revenge for the death of his sorceress wife, who he now wishes to reanimate with the assistance of a supernatural mask. Although the fate of the world is at stake, Conan is mostly concerned with ripping of Zim’s head. Cut, curse, sneer, disembowel, smolder, repeat.

Along the path that leads to Zim and glorious justice are a gallery of adversaries, both human and not. The most interesting of which are swordsman summoned from the desert sands and a particularly Lovecraftian sea monster that eviscerates stuff with its creepy tentacles. The action scenes are well handled and convincingly shot, framed against some absolutely stunning scenery that has been augmented just enough to evoke the Frazetta paintings that adorn Conan’s published sagas. Nispel wallows in the gore, throwing more viscera at the screen than I can ever remember seeing in a mainstream release. Consider for instance, the moment where Conan rams his meaty knuckles into the open nasal cavity of a villain with a chopped-off schnoz. For those who enjoy such things, there’s a veritable buffet of beheadings, stabbings, and separated arteries spurting in the general direction of everywhere.

What about a love interest, though? What’s a barbarian without his main squeeze? Arnold got Valeria and leggy dancer Sandahl Bergman. Momoa’s Conan gets hottie redhead Rachel Nichols as warrior monk Tamara. The witchy Marique (Rose McGowan)—Zim’s creepy daughter with inappropriate daddy issues—discovers that the apocalyptic mask requires, as do many arcane artifacts, a particular and special element to activate it; the lifeblood of an ‘Ancient’.  Since this is an endeavor aimed mostly at adolescent males, Tamara is that ancient. She’s also not really all that monk-like, especially once she’s excited the passions of Conan. Faster than you can say Skinemax, the two of them are off in the wild engaging in soft-focus co-mingling. Nichols is beautiful but doesn’t quite take command as a female with enough spunk and nerve to match the Cimmerian.

Marique is the only other female of note in the story, and although her costume design is vampy and intriguing, McGowan’s overacting and her unsavory fascination with daddy make her a one-note goth cartoon. That Saturday morning mindset extends to Lang’s Zim as well, and although the actor is gifted at giving snaky bad guys odd definition, there’s not much he can do with this guy. He can leer with skill, but everything out of his mouth sounds like it was written on post-its by Snidely Whiplash.

What makes the film interesting at all is the casting of Jason Momoa as the titular hero.  A Hawaiian model turned actor, Momoa has already done the barbarian thing as Kal Drogo on HBO’s Game of Thrones. He has the dark, toned look of the character and his sneers are on par with Schwarzenegger, whose lips behaved like roller coasters in the older films. Momoa is also a better actor than Arnold, and tries to display the heart and verve of a hero hidden inside of a Wildman.

The problem is that’s not how this Conan is written. The moral code of Conan, often represented as more noble than the supposedly civilized leaders around him, is fairly absent in this outing. Truthfully, there’s not much distinguishing Zim’s quest and drive from the hero’s, and that muddies the film thematically, while the 3D muddies it visually. The result is a rather entertaining swashbuckler that meets the basic needs of the genre without being memorable. In Momoa we have a worthy Conan. Next time, let’s get a script and a director with a better understanding of the character. May I suggest an adaptation of Howard’s Beyond the Black River? That’s a tale with legitimate bite and a barbarian worthy of the big screen.

   

    

’30 Minutes or Less’ Review: Fun cast strapped to a bomb

’30 Minutes or Less’ Review: Fun cast strapped to a bomb

Rating: R for crude and sexual content, pervasive language, nudity and some violence Written by: Michael Delibirti Directed by: Ruben Fleischer Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, Nick Swardson, Fred Ward, Michael Pena

PCN Rating:

Ruben Fleischer’s low-brow action comedy 30 Minutes or Less is a pretty big comedown from his entertaining and witty Zombieland. Stranding Jesse Eisenberg (fresh off his Oscar win) in a dopey one-note premise, 30 Minutes takes just about that long to wear out its welcome. The cast, also including Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride, Nick Swardson and a gruff and grumpy Fred Ward, is game for whatever, but the script by Michael Diliberti lets them down. Fleischer’s direction is also disappointingly pedestrian and uneven. This doesn’t feel so much like a high profile summer comedy as it does one of those nondescript and addled second tier time-wasters that used to play Comedy Central in the 90s. Stick this on a shelf somewhere next to 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag and Airheads.

It isn’t that 30 Minutes or Less is exactly terrible. It’s more that it’s simply too slight and confused to maintain any sense of charm or mirth, and in the absence of a plan, much like the bungling, loathsome robbers who strap a bomb to Eisenberg’s pizza delivery guy, it flails around wildly leaving a swath of destruction. What really harms the endeavor is that it can’t ever commit; is it a dark comedy or a buddy action flick? The chase sequences and rather graphic violence aren’t particularly exciting, and there’s no edge or insight to the humor. Instead, it comes off as terribly mean spirited, and the overrated McBride makes his character far more loathsome than the movie can support.

Minutes begins as if it were a Richard Linklater slacker comedy and quickly picks up a Judd Apatow filthy buddy verve. You see, Nick (Eisenberg) is just wasting his time in his hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan, schlepping pizzas while his erratic bud, Chet, a first-time school teacher, berates him for pursuing Chet’s twin sister, the lovely Kate (Dilshad Vadsaria).  Enter the would-be criminal duo of Dwayne (Danny McBride) and Travis (Nick Swardson), who accost Nick and outfit him with a homemade bomb so that he’ll rob a bank for them.

Dwayne and Travis are no-accounts who are tired of living in the overbearing shadow of Dwayne’s dad (Fred Ward) and want to put a hit out on the old man, so they can inherit his money. In what amounts to one of the most convoluted plans in recent memory, they are sending in Nic with the bomb so they can use the stolen cash to pay the ghetto fabulous hit-man Chango (Michael Pena) to kill Ward. There’s not enough suspension of disbelief available to accept that even dolts like Dwayne and Travis would attempt to go through with this. Once Nick finds himself in the sticky situation, he recruits Chet to help him go through with the robbery. Disaster ensues.

Because of the amiable banter between Eisenberg and Ansari, the opening chapters of 30 Minutes are mildly amusing. It’s when the claptrap involving the bomb shows up that the  film starts sinking in the mire of soured ambition. Bodies are set on fire, people are brutally killed, McBride mutters his way through a completely irritating role, and the low-brow raunch is juvenile without being funny. Eisenberg seems uncertain of what he’s supposed to be doing; he’s not creating a character like in Network, and he’s dialed his own nebbish energy way down from the more frantic but assured Zombieland. Ansari isn’t doing anything much different than he’s done before; if you’ve seen his schtick on Parks and Rec, then you’ve seen everything he’s got to offer here. Ward is just cashing a paycheck, Vadsaria is barely an afterthought, and Swardson is lost in McBride’s sleazy orbit. Only Michael Pena, who should get an award for consistently strong supporting work, manages to make Chango the  assassin truly zany and interesting.  As he did in previous pics like Battle Los Angeles and Everything Must Go, Pena settles for the scraps of the narrative, while increasing the value of the film exponentially with his presence.

There’s not much to be saved though in 30 Minutes or Less. Strange to see Fleischer turn down bigger and more high-profile offers, only to settle for this lightweight and wrong-headed misfire. Here, he lacks the confidence he demonstrated in Zombieland, and although there’s plenty of unpleasant and sudden violence, nothing comes close to matching the gut shot that Bill Murray took in that film. Jess Armstrong’s cinematography is best described as flat, and Fleischer’s staging of the action scenes is curiously disinterested.

The script, obviously based upon the unlikely story of Pennsylvanian pizza guy Brian Wells (who blew himself up with a bomb he thought was fake), is the real culprit here because it fails to make any of the characters likable. It’s down to the director and his cast though, all of them capable of adding zest, and all of them failing to invest urgency or thrills into the scenario. 30 Minutes or Less just sits there, drawing sporadic chuckles, and pretty soon we realize that about 60 extra minutes have been ripped away without explanation.

‘Cowboys and Aliens’ review: The sky falls on Arizona

‘Cowboys and Aliens’ review: The sky falls on Arizona

PCN RATING:

Jon Favreau’s Cowboys & Aliens is a decidedly old-fashioned movie. Although the title drums up comic-book imagery and the special effects are the state of the current art, everything else about the film suggests it could have been made some 40 years ago, perhaps starring Steve McQueen in the Daniel Craig role and John Wayne in the Harrison Ford one.  There are two genres here, one a western and one science fiction and both done with enough goofy b-movie ingenuity that we go along for the ride. This is a deeply silly picture but the trick is it pretends not to know this fact. There’s more fun to be had that way.

The film begins in 1873, with an amnesiac stranger (Daniel Craig) ambling into the town of Absolution. Absolution is one of those dingy little waystations that looks like it might just sink down into the Arizona earth and vanish.  A sparse crop of citizens wander through the arid streets, steering clear of trigger-happy Percy Dolarhyde(Paul Dano) who carries on with the knowledge that his cattle baron daddy has the town in his pocket. There are classic western types all over the place; the kindly gun-toting preacher (Clancy Brown), the stoic sherrif (Keith Carradine) and a saloon owner named ‘Doc’ (Sam Rockwell) who has brought his beautiful wife to the middle of nowhere to make a go of it.  Then of course, there’s Percy, and Nat Colorado (Adam Beach), the Native American man who the elder Dolarhyde (Ford) raised from a boy. Lurking about in the saloon is a wide-eyed damsel (Olivia Wilde) who knows more than she’s letting on. And, yes, for the Sunday afternoon crowd, there’s a kid and a dog too. No extra points for figuring out how far they make it.

The good news is that Favreau takes the time to make all of these people characters and we don’t mind so much that we recognize their traits because it’s great fun watching the way this set of actors rises to the occasion. Craig’s mystery man, whose real name is Jake, wakes up in the desert with an extraterrestrial trinket strapped to his arm. He’s lethal, no-nonsense, and apparently wanted for stagecoach robbery. Craig plays him with a variation on the rugged charm that he brought to his James Bond, mixing in token nods to classic western icons as varied as Gary Cooper and Clint Eastwood. He’s embraced Jake’s humanity and this supports the character when he’s knee-deep in the more fantastical elements of the story.  The way he handles that fancy piece of weaponry is particularly entertaining—offering a fresh spin on the way a cowboy’s firearm defines his character.

Harrison Ford, for the first time in ages, seems to actually give a crap. His Col Dolarhyde is no less a cliché than the rest of the townsfolk, but Ford dials into his world-weary warrior’s heart and makes him both formidable and occasionally admirable. In a lesser film we’d expect him to go bad or get picked off early. It’s Ford, so we know he’s going to be there for mostly the long haul, but there was no guarantee he’d be this good at it. Ford’s awake, on edge, and using his well-worn book of tricks to make Dolarhyde his own brand of iconic. I’d love to see this character again, perhaps in a different story. Olivia Wilde has a role that develops into lady exposition and then later into lady gunslinger. She’s got an unearthly kind of beauty that makes sense for her role, but there’s no depth to the character. In an odd turn of events, her arc here directly mirrors her turn in last year’s Tron: Legacy.

One of the things I really enjoyed about Cowboys and Aliens is the way Favreau has peopled the edges of the film with sturdy character actors. Rockwell, like Gary Oldman before him, is welcome in any role because it can be expected he’ll put his own unique spin on it. Doc isn’t much of a hero, but the thing we most remember is his curious agnostic bent, even in the face of the ‘demons’ who arrive from the sky. There’s a graveside prayer that feels earnest and real and stands Doc apart. Beach has played a number of disenfranchised Native Americans over the years but here he’sdoing a spin on the matinee vision of the ‘indian’. It’s good work and he has a fine chemistry with Ford. Keith Carradine and Clancy Brown are not nearly in enough stuff for my taste, and it’s good to see both escaped briefly from the SyFy ghetto to remind they are formidable and fascinating actors. Dano is just filling out his resume with a popcorn flick, but he’s good just the same—this younger Dolarhyde houses some of the same sniveling contempt that his boy preacher possessed in There Will Be Blood.

And then, what of the aliens? They come swooping out of the sky and into the town after the first half hour, cloaked in the darkness of night snatching up the inhabitants and whisking them off to an unknown location. We don’t see them at first, just their onslaught and the first time the night sky ignites with those unearthly lights, Favreau makes it’s a moment to savor. There’s a choreographed chaos perfectly timed to visually and thematically turn on its head what has, up to this point, been a traditional western adventure. However, it’s the science fiction part of this mash-up that gets short-changed. The alien invaders themselves are not exactly novel, and their origin is clearly not another planet but a drive-in cheapie from decades ago.

 Goopy, malevolent monsters, they seem to have spawned from the same pod that has given birth to many recent alien incarnations; the Cloverfield beast, Super 8’s stringy critter, the invaders from both Skyline and Battle Los Angeles. All pincers, exoskeleton and luminescent, lanky tendrils, these extraterrestrials turn out to be nothing more than intergalactic prospectors with a penchant for demolishing and terrorizing the local indigenous. The  parallels to our own history’s human behavior in the West isn’t forced, but it still reduces the intruders to a less specific and personal evil. None of them have identifiable personalities, and the most distinct is identified by a scar given to it by the hero.

 What works better than the creatures is how their presence affects the world –and movie—they arrive in. Favreau uses this pervasive menace that threatens all people—pioneers, gunslingers, bandits, Apache, ranchers—in much the same way that Harry Turtledove employs his race of reptilian invaders in his alternate vision of World War II. It forces unlike entities to join together against a common threat. The best and most exciting image of the movie isn’t some special effects milieu, but the sight of a conjoined posse of all Western mainstays—cowboys, Indians, outlaws and lawmen—riding roughshod towards the alien stronghold.  

Cowboys and Aliens is a simple concept and the execution is straight-forward. There’s no 3-D, no erratic camera work or hyper-stylized visual nonsense. Favreau knows the value of sweeping shots across dry brush land or craning panoramas of dusty streets and shabby saloons. Even the alien starship, embedded in the harsh desert earth, looks like a set piece from a 1950’s monster movie. The actors stare out from under wide-brim hats and look for nearby scenery to chew. The more familiar you are with the genre, the more fun it is. It’s not the best Western of the year (that’s still Rango and Meek’s Cutoff), and it’s not even the best alien vs. humans flick opening today (that would Attack the Block). What it does achieve is an earnest matinee joy that is hard to find in the crowded multiplex these days. We are used to the big battles and crazy light shows. What’s more rewarding is arriving at that scene where the mysterious hero rides his horse down the quiet main street of the town and heads out towards the lonesome prairie.  

Cowboys and Aliens image gallery: